All right, put down your pitchforks.
We’ve tackled some, let’s say, diverse subjects here on Don’t Hate. We’ve defended shady politicians, gingers, even fucking Nickelback. So we’re used to a good challenge.
But this go-round may well be more than any mere mortal can handle. Defend Tim Tebow? The Jesus freak quarterback with a ton of undeserved hype, not to mention a throwing arm that might as well be made out of pudding? We’re going to tell you why he doesn’t deserve all the hate he gets?
Yes. Yes we are. And we’d really appreciate it if you put the damn pitchforks down already. It’ll help you to listen and understand, plus getting mercilessly stabbed by countless readers is not a good morale-booster.
Here are five reasons why it’s okay to like Tim Tebow…
He Brings The Crowd To Life Just By Being There
Let’s face it, most athletes are fucking boring. Give them a mic or focus a camera on them and all they’ve got is clichés and jock-talk. When they attempt a joke, the end result is often so bad that it inspires an all-new sitcom on CBS (the worst fate for any punch-line imaginable)
Simply put, they can be the best damn player on Earth, but if their personality is as exciting as a big bowl of dry Shredded Wheat, then what’s the point? Few things are more damaging to a sport than utter apathy, so you need to take charisma wherever you can find it. And if that charisma is found in a Christian Mama’s Boy who would gladly paint Bible verses on his eye black if the NFL would just let him, then so be it.
Tebow isn’t great, or even all that good, at his job, but he can bring a crowd to their feet and get them involved in the game simply by being there. It helps create a positive bottom line for the league: more attention, more exposure, more money, and just plain more football. Fans need to treasure that, even if they hate the Broncos AND Jesus.
He’s Actually BETTER Than The Other Guy
Like we mentioned earlier, he’s not a very good quarterback, at least not on the NFL level. He could destroy any of us and make us his woman, but he’s not getting paid to do that, is he? He’s getting paid to help the Broncos win a title, and many people feel he’s just not up to the task.
But who the hell is? Kyle Orton? The “starting” QB in Denver is just as bad, if not worse, than Tebow. Under his fearless leadership, the team shat the bed and went a putrid 1-4. His quarterback rating for the year is a whopping 75; that wasn’t a very good grade when you were in school, and it’s even worse when it’s the NFL and an elite like Aaron Rodgers boasts a 129 rating. Without extra credit.
Tebow is certainly not at Rodgers’ level, or even Tony Romo’s, and yet he has actually performed better than Orton has this year. His QB rating hovers in the low 80’s, he’s garnered three wins in four games (prior to last night’s game) after Orton could only manage one out of five, his teammates seem genuinely excited and motivated to work with him, and he just started playing regularly so he’s bound to get better.
So Tebow’s the man now, as he should be; remember, as the old chestnut goes, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” In this case, promoting and developing Tebow is a far better plan than tanking for Andrew Luck and praying he doesn’t absolutely eat it first chance he gets.
At Least He Genuinely Believes What He Says
What’s more annoying than a religious fanatic? How about somebody who just pretends to be a religious fanatic because it’s what people want to hear? It’s far easier to talk the talk than walk the walk, as it is, so you get tons of phony worshipers who dial up God only when it’s necessary. Win an important game? God helped you win. Drinking too much? God will help you quit. Caught with a stripper? Jesus shalt save thou from thine sinful ways! Implode your entire season in spectacular fashion because half your team is too fat and lazy to bother competing? It was God’s will for you to lose (2011 Boston Red Sox only).
And then, after things simmer down, God gets pushed back to the sidelines until needed once again. So Tim Tebow, a true-blue believer, is quite the relief. When he talks about God and quotes the Bible and does that stupid kneeling prayer thing, it’s real. He’s actually praying when he does that, as amazing as that sounds. If he hadn’t gotten drafted and went to work at Geico, selling overpriced supplemental insurance to people who don’t really need it, Jesus would be just as much in his life as He is today. And Geico would probably let him paint Bible verses on his face. That gecko seems like a flexible bloke when it comes to his employees.
You Hate His Fans More Than You Hate Him
Ever hear the old saying, “Jesus, please save us from your followers”? That’s Tebow in a nutshell. Outside of Denver fans who want him to succeed because that means their team might stop sucking eventually, people who like Tebow really, REALLY like Tebow. They look at him as a God-like figure. When he wrote Bible verses on his eye-black, Google searches and Twitter trends for said verses skyrocketed. He filmed a pro-life commercial with his mother and people actually paid attention. His stances on abortion, traditional marriage, and how overrated throwing the ball is are accepted as gospel. Every move he makes on the field is the right one, even the ones that result in an interception.
These fanatics are the reason Tebow, despite being drafted as a third or fourth-stringer, had the highest-selling jersey of any NFL player. BEFORE PLAYING A GAME. And it wasn’t all fans that followed him in college; Florida only sapped up 30% of the jerseys. This means 70% of Tim Tebow’s record-setting sales were made by people who would gladly light themselves on fire if they felt it would appease The Tebow.
Tebow himself has mainly focused on football, allowing his fans to make asses of themselves on their own time. His only real crime against humanity has been that kneeling prayer of his that a bunch of idiots have started copying, completely ignoring that Tebow is actually praying when he does that. He is not “Tebowing,” as the kids call it. But hey, since when did truth get in the way of a good meme?
But The Anti-Tebow People Are Even Worse
If Tebow’s fans really REALLY like him, then his detractors really really really REALLY despise him. It’s not enough to question his ability as a quarterback (which should become less and less of a deal if the Broncos keep winning), but a lot of his haters ride him on everything. He cried like a baby when he lost the BCS Championship game. His autobiography sucked. His Super Bowl ad was funded by a super right-wing fundamentalist Christian group. His super-fans are all sheep. And so on and so forth.
And yes, these are all truths. He did cry. His book did suck (you try writing your life story at age 23 and see how gripping it reads). Focus On The Family funded his ad and they are right-wing douchebags. But you know what? All these criticisms do is distract from the main reason the anti-Tebow bandwagon is still chugging along: we hate the hype.
From college on, Tebow has been pushed as the Great Hope, the next super-duper star, a savior both on and off the field, and a heck of a nice guy to boot. People got legitimately pissed off when he managed to get drafted in the first round, and the big reason was most likely, “oh God, not this dick again.”
It’s ingrained in our culture at this point; we love tearing people down as much as we love building them up. It ups our self-esteem: “see, this guy wasn’t nearly as awesome as everybody said! He’s just as much a schmuck as you or I!” And that’s the way we like it. If famous people are constantly knocked to Earth, then suddenly we’re at their level. We’re now even with The Chosen One. And we can probably throw a better Hail Mary while we’re at it.
So the next time you click over to that now-viral ESPN article to see the latest round of things that are better than Tebow, bear in mind: it’s not a righteous campaign against the evils of a guy who chucks oddly-shaped balls for a living, but just another way to level the playing field and make anonymous idiots feel better about themselves.
Jason Iannone tweets at http://www.twitter.com/genericwhiteboy, networks socially at http://www.facebook.com/genericwhiteboy, and does not actually root for Tim Tebow. Mainly because Tebow is not a New England Patriot.
